I know this is not a diary, but I just need to have this conversation.
"What do I want to create today?"
I saw this on a TikTok video the other day and it stuck with me in the back of my mind. I have not given it enough thought, so here I am writing about it...
As I ask myself this question I am filled with so much feelings of uncertainty and fear...so much that I had to open up my laptop to write about it...to allow all these words and thoughts to escape my mind.
So here I go again...Sandy, what do you want to create today?
I take a deep breath and listen to it escape my body as I slowly count to four in my head... I feel a hollowness deep inside of me...
I feel my throat choking up as if I am about to cry.
I can feel myself growing scared and uncertain.
There is just too much to think about...too many possibilities and that scares me.
I can feel my heart racing.
My breath begins to grow unsteady...shaking almost.
I want to stop thinking, but I can't. I need to know why I feel this way.
Why do I react in such a way to this beautiful question full of possibilities?
Is it the fact that the possibilities are limitless that make me feel so hollow?
Is it because my body has never had the time and space to react to this question?
Is this question...this idea of creating something so foreign to me that by own body feels unsettled just by the mere thought of this question?
What do you want to create today?
When you think about this question the first thing that comes to mind is the idea that "this creation must be feasible...it cannot be anything outside of my normal?"
Did you know that you are actually limiting yourself?
When you say and feel this you are already taking the first step to hinder your creations to come true because you do not believe that you can create something outside of your current reality...
You are the only one standing in your way.
So Sandy, can I ask you this?
Why do you stand in your own way? Why don't you allow yourself to dream up all of your wildest dreams, why do you cut yourself short?
Response to "Dear Sandy"
You are right. I am the only one standing in my own way. When I think of that question, I feel overwhelmed.
I feel overwhelmed in the sense that there are so many possibilities in this world and I fear of choosing the "wrong" path, the "wrong" creation...basically, I am scared that I am going to mess up my life. So before I even allow myself the opportunity to dream up my wildest dreams, I pause...I doubt...I hesitate...and I get in my own way.
So I ask you this...How do I stop getting in my own way?
With much love and sunlight,