Heartache...the one thing I never want to cause another being to go through.
These past few weeks I have realized that when I love, I love hard...can you relate?
What I mean is this...
I met this amazing soul...kind, funny, and adventurous...I saw in them the parts I wanted to see in myself. We fell in love...and well, long story short, I think I broke our hearts. I loved as much as I could...to the point where it was no longer love, rather it became a maze...a maze in the sense of trying to find myself - the self I was when this all started. The person who would laugh at random moments, was free spirited, light hearted, funny, kind, compassionate, and thoughtful...that version of me had gone missing. She had gotten lost in the waves of this emotion of love. All that seemed to exist was a longing to find that person I once was. In each attempt all I found was raging sadness...a yearning to return to who I was. I was lost in a maze of love. What once made me so happy was now making me doubt myself...question my worth, question who I knew I once was.
I never meant to hurt us. I just didn't want to be the person I was becoming...a lost soul in love. I loved so hard that I got lost...I lost myself and convinced myself it was okay until it was really not okay. And for that I am sorry, sorry to the both of us.
Why do I share this? Well, I think this heartache has taught me an important lesson that I have been trying to avoid confronting for so long. My lack of self love, self appreciation, and self worth.
I think this stems from my childhood - from being desensitized to anything worth praising. Believe it or not, but I was that quiet kid who received lots of awards and was frequently recognized in school - especially in academics. But no one who mattered really seemed to care. As a little kid I quickly learned that awards and success was not a huge accomplishment. Sheeesshhh, I have graduated more times than the average person and I have yet to feel any type of accomplishment or joy for earning any of my multiple degrees, shoot, I still don't even know how to feel happy for myself for being admitted into one of the best public schools in the country, especially considering my circumstances growing up.
All this to say that yes, I have issues with who I am and that is okay. The first step, I believe to any healing is to recognize that there is healing to be made - recognizing and acknowledging the situation. And that's what I am here to do - acknowledge that I am not okay. Acknowledge that I have some inner work to do...definitely a lot of unlearning regarding the way I see myself and all that I do. So cheers to a starting point of moving towards healing this area of my self.
To be quite honest, today was hard. I recently...as in since last night let go of this person I love. Trust me, it's been quite a long day. Long in the sense that when anything exciting seemed to happen, all I could think about was sharing the news with them...each time I thought this I was hit with a wave of regret and sadness. To sum it up, I have been really sad. In retrospect, I want to ask myself "why couldn't you share these moments with yourself and celebrate yourself?" Well this is an easy one, I admit, I do not know how to celebrate myself...I am starting to think that I may not even like being by myself. Have you ever felt this way?
As I continue reflecting on my day and all the emotions that have been coming up, I recognize that my inner-child has just always wanted to feel seen and recognized. Yes, as a child I toughed through it and convinced myself that it didn't matter if I had received awards, it was just another day...Yet, I continued to receive awards, which meant I kept striving to attain them, which means I did care...deep down I wanted to be seen, I wanted to be recognized, and I wanted that praise that every little child wants. Winning was my way of shouting to the world that I was right there, right there waiting to bee seen and recognized...but time and time again, I slipped into the cracks, my accolades meaning nothing...my inner-child once again not receiving the one thing it longed for...a sense of her loved ones feeling proud of her and validating her.
Hmmm...this is hitting hard right now.
You see, this person I was so in love with actually cared for that wounded part of me. They would do their best to express how proud they were of me. All the praise I had been searching for as a child for so long was being satisfied by them...I'm not going to lie, I felt safe, I felt comforted, and I felt seen... It was a good feeling to have someone see me in a way that I have never felt seen before.
But that was my mistake. What was once a soothing and validating feeling coming from a person I love, transformed into dependency. I kept relying on this love to fill my wound instead of doing the work that I knew I needed to initiate and do in order to heal that wound. I used their love as a temporary solution to my deep wounds that needed deep and sincere care from my end. I had put my healing into the hands of someone outside of myself and that was not okay. It was not fare to the person I loved and it was not fair to me. I was doing myself an injustice by placing my pain in the hands of someone else.
Note: We have everything within us, but so often we look outside of ourselves to find salvation and healing...when all we have to do is look inward.
Spiritual moment: I believe the universe will continue to place the same lessons in different forms into your life until you learn and master that lesson. I think the lesson that I was meant to learn through this heartache was multifaceted. I believe I had to learn to respect and honor myself by ending a relationship with someone I truly love that was causing me so much pain and harm. I believe I was meant to learn to set boundaries, to communicate my feelings, and to put my feelings first (which may sound selfish, but in reality it is a radical act of self love).
Healing is not easy, it is hard and it is transformative.
Look, I am not saying I have all my ducks in a row or that I have been magically healed. Remember, the first step towards healing is recognizing the situation, calling it out, trying to make sense of it, and that is what I have done here....this is an attempt to make sense of my wound so I can better understand how I can help myself. This is my way of initiating the healing that I know I need to become and embrace the best version of myself.
This post is simply me sharing my thoughts and feelings in real time, no filter, and with an aching heart wanting to heal and feel joy again.
Don't worry, I will keep you posted, in the meantime, cheers to chasing more moments with the sun.